Thursday, September 22, 2011

Cycles and pathways

Thinking a bunch about memory and experience, and the entwinement of emotional experience. When I drank, the nights I went deep (too deep), I'd have little to no memory of specifics, or vague outlines, of what came out of my mouth/mind. Those who were with me, however, bore witness and had specific recollections/experiences of where I'd been at.
I dated someone for a few years who had a cycle around her cycle where she'd explode in incredibly intense outbursts, then, once her period came, it would all subside and she'd have no recollection at all of it. I'd been standing in the blast zone, however, and had very distinct experience/perspective/memory of what she'd been on about.
I think of that now because, in looking at some long-term relationship issues, it strikes me that I carry very strongly the memories and associations of a shared emotional crisis, yet the other people involved have little actual memory of the events.

Who is right? I don't think it's a right/wrong matter, but it's a complicated dynamic. Don't dwell in the past, sure; don't condemn the now for the sins of the past, sure. But when the pattern repeats, and one party of the dynamic is unconscious of the cyclical nature of it, how to bridge that gap?

Annie & I were talking the other week and, while I normally/nominally get called analytical and rational (at expense of emotional), I made the observation that I dwell frequently in the realm of the emotions. I am curious what emotions drive people's behaviors and motivations, my own included. I can maintain a dispassionate emotional gauge, as Aunt Linds says of me, but that's different from by driven by the opposite of emotion.

I was talking with a friend whose drinking has been a problem. He was saying it wasn't really so bad. (Having been there enough, I can say, Yes, it was so bad.) I pointed out that, since his perception was skewed after the first 6-10 beers, he didn't have much position of authority regarding how his behavior affected those immediately connected to it.

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